emotional baggage

Tonight's episode of the Biggest Loser really hit home with me. The pink team's Ashley had her emotional breakthrough about losing her father to cancer. That's not the part that hit me, this was: she didn't go home and see him that often because every time she went home her family (mostly her dad) would constantly ridicule her because of her weight. Verbal abuse, basically. He would tell her she needed more exercise. He would survey everything she ever ate. He would comment on her weight before even saying hello. Her breakthrough was she was sorry she didn't tell him that his comments hurt her feelings. She was also really upset that she let come between them while he was dying. She never got to apologize for not coming home, and she never got to let him know why.

That hit me hard, because, honestly... it's exactly what my family does to me. It hurts my feelings. It makes me feel horrible. I, too, sometimes dread going home... because I don't want to deal with my family judging me and how I look. I don't know if that is my "baggage" or not. I don't have a real answer for why I gained weight.

I was always in shape in high school. Sure, I had weight ups and downs, like most people... but in all, I was pretty in shape. I played basketball, softball and was a cheerleader. I ran in the gym with Coach Pulliam and he had me lifting weights my sophomore-senior years. I was in good shape. After graduation I went on a cruise with about 15 other kids from my senior class. I walked around the cruise ship in a bikini. I was so happy.

After that, I'm not really sure anything major changed, except college. lol I started college, met the love of my life... but was no longer exercising the way I did in high school. And in just those 4 years of college I put on the weight. Not just the freshman 15... more than that.

I know I may never have my high school body back... but that was only 5 years ago. I think if I work hard enough I might be able to get it back. Let's just hope that getting the emotional baggage out of the way via this blog will help. I don't think I am ready to say anything to my family about it. It's hard enough not going up and deleting it from here. But, I am going to quickly click the publish button before I change my mind.

Just please, pray for me to continue going to the gym and working hard. I know I can do it!!